Terrified about tomorrow.
As I write this I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow, but by the time you read this It will be over.
An odd sort of time travel.
I realize, and am somewhat comforted by, the fact that no one is likely to read this. If however, you are not me, you should know that this is a bit of therapeutic writing. TMI in all likelihood. I just need to say it. So, welcome.
For lots of reasons that would take far too long to explain. I'm pretty fragile lately. To be honest, I think I'm just broken. And I am panic-stricken by the coming mandate by my company that we must return to the office.
I wrote about it, and if you'd like to hear me rant you can read all about it here. The bottom line is I don't think I can handle it. I have coping mechanisms here but I just don't think I can make myself pretend I don't need them. If I don't go in I risk being fired, in fact, I think that's what they're going for.
There is only one hope for me. A form that needs to be completed by me and a medical professional. If I get that done, and it's approved, they can move me to remote employee status. That would mean I don't have to go in unless I want to.
That would mean I could stop having these daily panic attacks. And perhaps my brain would start remembering things again.
But it's not looking good. There are two medical professionals that I could speak to. One prescribes the medicine that has been so helpful, the other is a therapist that listens to me talk about all the things.
I've had a lengthy conversation with the latter, and they did not offer to fill out said form, but mentioned they weren't familiar with such a thing. Seemed uncomfortable with the idea to me. I suppose I never actually said the words “would you please fill out the form.” but as wrecked as I was about it I would imagine it was implied pretty strongly.
I'm meeting with the other medical provider tomorrow. And I'm going to say the words. But they haven't seen me talking. They haven't seen me wrecked and distraught. I'm not confident they'll feel like they have enough information to complete the form.
And I certainly don't want them to do something they're not comfortable with.
So if/when they decline... The last remaining hope will be to return to the first conversation and actually say the words. And hope. But in reality I'm probably fucked if tomorrow doesn't go well.
No idea what happens If it comes to that. At some point, probably a firing.
And with that dear Internet void, I leave you until tomorrow...
Good Morning.
My meeting is late this afternoon. Lots of time left to worry and ruminate. And a lovely surprise for today is I woke up with a shooting tooth pain. I'm apparently grinding enough to crack my own teeth.
I need a hug.
Back from the impromptu dental appointment. Now to jump into my meetings and pretend that I'm actually present and not worrying about the quite probable meltdown to come.
Here we go.
I’ll likely be spent afterwards. This person isn’t used to much beyond a quick check in.
It’s over.
It actually went well. There is hope. A plan even. I should be SO RELIEVED, but I can't really let myself have that until it's done.
But still, I am incredibly grateful and relieved to have found someone who is familiar with these types of forms.
This provider brought up the form, and helped me with the steps on their end. And, thankfully, also prescribed something for more acute “trauma”. Hopefully that won't be a permanent addition to my pill box.
As for what comes next, the process isn't over... Next week I'm traveling for work, after that perhaps something more concrete can happen. Maybe I'll actually get that form.
But it's going to require a couple more weeks, at least one meeting, and of course paperwork.
I haven't yet had the big sigh of relief I was hoping for... but I'm a little more confident that it might be coming.